There’s no easy way to break up with someone, but sometimes a breakup is still absolutely necessary. In those situations where a relationship has simply run its course, where the other person has changed or you have, where you are wanting different things out of life, where you both have drifted apart, or where something just doesn’t quite work the way you feel it should – it might be time to move on.
But ending a relationship, whether one that lasted months or years, can be extremely difficult to do. When you’re in a relationship, often you get closer to that person than you do even your closest friends. You care for them, and bringing that experience to an end isn’t always an amicable process. That said, sometimes it is necessary; and when it is, we have just a few things to keep in mind:
Key takeaways
- Check in with yourself first: make sure the issues are things you cannot or do not want to resolve together before ending things.
- Match the medium to the relationship: serious partnerships deserve a private, face-to-face conversation unless your safety is at risk.
- Plan the logistics: pick a setting where neither of you is trapped waiting for the bill or stranded without a way home.
- Be direct and kind: focus on why the relationship itself isn’t working rather than listing your partner’s personal flaws, and avoid offering false hope.
Before the Breakup
The time where you feel like a breakup might be on the horizon is the point where you really want to analyse why these feelings are coming up. Is this something you can work through? Or is it finally time?
Make Sure a Breakup is the Right Solution for You
Be honest with yourself about why you think breaking up is the right way to move forward. Is this relationship not serving you anymore? Are you not happy anymore? Is this person different than you thought they were, or are they suddenly treating you differently?
There’s any number of reasons to break up with someone, but it’s important to be sure these reasons are things you’re unable to work through with the other person – or maybe that you just don’t want to. Remember that no one can force you to be in a relationship, and it’s okay to break up with someone if it’s right for you to do so.
Prepare for the Difficult Conversation Ahead
Once you’ve decided that breaking up is the right step for you, it’s important to brace yourself for the conversation ahead. As it goes, a breakup might feel like the right decision for you, but it also might catch the other person off-guard. Sometimes the drifting away is mutual, but sometimes it isn’t.
That’s why, before the breakup, it’s important to go over in your head exactly what you want to say. If what you want to say is brief, be brief. If these are arguments you’ve had repeatedly, don’t start them up again if you don’t want to. Go over the possibilities in your head and reasoning behind the breakup to reaffirm yourself of the decision.
Acknowledge Ahead of Time that You Can’t Predict Their Reaction
As much as you feel you might know the person you’re breaking up with, you still can’t predict how they might react to the news. When placed in a stressful situation, and a break-up can be anxiety inducing, it’s hard to gauge how someone might react.
They might get quiet. They might argue. They might agree. Or they might even get angry, and loud.
That said, just know that whatever their reaction, be confident in the decision you have made. If you’re ready to cut ties, that’s okay. If you just need a break to be alone for a while, that’s okay too. But be sure the decision is yours and isn’t coerced by the other person.
The Breakup
Once you have thought things through and made up your mind, it’s time to have the conversation.
Try Your Best to Do the Breakup Face to Face
It’s hard to encompass all the varied reasons for a breakup, but unless there is a safety concern where you don’t want to be in the same room as the other person, try your best to show the courtesy of a face-to-face conversation. For an established relationship, please don’t break up over a text, an email, or a FaceTime call if you can help it. If you’ve only been on two or three casual dates, a polite phone call or thoughtful message is usually fine, and if you’re in a long-distance relationship, a video call may be the most honest option available. Otherwise, show up in person.
Pick Your Location
Something often overlooked about a breakup is where it happens. If you’re able to, try to choose a location where the conversation can happen uninterrupted. It’s a difficult conversation to have, and you don’t want your partner, or yourself, to feel the need to temper feelings on the situation in order to avoid some sort of public ‘scene’.
To keep the conversation honest, skip loud, crowded places like a busy restaurant – where you’re both trapped until the bill arrives – and opt for somewhere private where you can speak openly. Think about the exit strategy, too. Going to their flat, or meeting in a quiet park near home, is often kinder than hosting them at yours when they have a long journey back, or travelling to theirs without an easy way to leave once everything has been said.
However, if your safety is in question, that takes precedence before anything else. If you feel more comfortable breaking up somewhere public, then that’s what you should do.
Skip the Clichés, Be as Straightforward as Possible
When it comes to actual words you need to say, be as direct as you possibly can. While only you will know the reasons for your break-up, don’t lean on clichés like, ‘it’s not you, it’s me.’
You may know why you want to break up, but if you hide your reasoning behind vague platitudes, the other person has no chance of understanding that the decision is final. You don’t need a ten-page speech, just honest, clear wording that fits your situation:
Red flags
- “It’s not you, it’s me – I just can’t be what you need right now.”
- “Maybe we just need a bit of space to see how we feel in a few months.”
- “You’re always doing X and you never do Y” (turning the breakup into a fresh character assassination).
Green flags
- After a few dates: “I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you, but I don’t feel the romantic connection we need to take this further.”
- When you want different futures: “I care about you a lot, but we want very different things over the next few years, and I don’t think we’re right for each other long-term.”
- When the relationship has run its course: “I’ve thought about this a lot. Even though we’ve tried to make things work, I’m not happy in our relationship anymore and I think we should end things.”
Separate Your Partner from the Relationship
While you might feel tempted to delve into all the details of the shortcomings of your partner, or where you felt they, as a person, weren’t right for you – try your best to be kind, have empathy, and stay focused.
When a relationship doesn’t work, it’s not always because of the other person, or yourself – but rather because the actual relationship you created together simply isn’t working.
It’s completely possible for both of you to be wonderful people, and to hold love for each other, but the relationship you’ve built together still isn’t making either of your lives better or enriching them. In fact, the relationship might be a root cause of your unhappiness. While the distinction can feel slight sometimes, the failings of the relationship are the focus, not the other person.
Don’t Fall Back on False Promises
Finally, when bringing the conversation to a close, don’t let guilt – or the understandable urge not to have someone out in the world angry at you – soften your final words into something misleading.
If you feel this relationship is done – let it be done.
Don’t say things like, ‘this just isn’t working right now.’ ‘Maybe in a few years.’ If you don’t honestly think there’s a chance to rekindle the relationship in the future, don’t give the person false hope. Let them deal with the same truth you are, so they can move on, and so you can too.
After the Breakup
Whether the breakup was amicable or not, it was likely still a difficult conversation to have, and the aftermath can be mentally, and even physically, draining.
Remind Yourself That It’s Okay
First things first, remind yourself that breaking up with that person was the right decision for you. It might hurt to be in this place, but staying with them longer wasn’t going to change the end result – only delay it. During this time, call your friends and spend time with loved ones – be kind to yourself and treat yourself gently.
Take Care of Yourself
Most importantly, look after yourself in the days that follow. Be gentle with yourself mentally – don’t pile on extra stress if you can help it. Ending a relationship takes a real emotional toll, even when you were the one who initiated it, so try not to downplay how you feel just because you think you shouldn’t be upset.
If you feel able, try to enjoy some fun or relaxing activities. Go on long walks, run, exercise, read, shop, eat some delicious food, or watch some fluffy movies. Do whatever makes you feel better and know that you deserve to feel better.
Move On at Your Own Pace
There’s no standardised measure for how long someone needs to get over a relationship. It could be days, weeks, months, or years. Sometimes breaking up can feel like a weight lifted, and other times it can feel like an anvil weighing you down.
Move on at your own pace, in whatever form moving on takes for you. If it means being single for a while, that’s okay. If it means you want to get back out there and date again, that’s okay too. When you’re ready you might want to create a profile on a dating site.
Moving Forward
Breaking up with someone is never an easy thing to do. From the anxiety before it happens and the difficulty of the conversation itself to the quiet aftermath – there’s often much more to breaking up than a single talk.
Be sure to check in with yourself as often as you can and remind yourself that the feelings you have are valid. Work through your emotions and be kind to yourself. It’s okay to want to break up with someone, and it’s equally okay to be sad or relieved after you do. Breaking up isn’t easy, but sometimes it’s necessary for you and your well-being.
