How to Get a Girlfriend

Typing “how to get a girlfriend” into a search engine usually happens on a quiet evening when your mates are coupled up and you are wondering what everyone else knows that you don’t. You do not need an algorithm to work a miracle, and you certainly do not need a personality transplant. What helps is taking an honest look at your daily habits, creating real opportunities to meet women and knowing how to turn a promising first date into an actual relationship.

Understanding a relationship drought

If you’re searching “how to get a girlfriend” online, then chances are you haven’t been in a relationship for quite some time already. You might have a thousand things running through your mind at once, all of them desperately trying to rationalise the reasons you have thus far been unsuccessful with women:

• You’re hopeless on dates
• You’re not good looking enough
• You’re not rich and successful
• You don’t have a nice car
• You live with your parents
• You live alone but in a terrible dive
• And the list goes on and on…

These dry spells, where it feels as though you have gone half a lifetime without a proper relationship, are far more common than people admit in the pub. Sometimes a long gap starts sensibly enough after a breakup because you needed breathing room, or because work and other commitments took over. Before you know it, a few months of keeping to yourself turns into a couple of years where your routine simply never crosses paths with anyone new.

How to get a girlfriend: steps you can take

Often, the biggest hurdle to meeting someone is simply being too passive. Girlfriends are not like buses or Underground trains. When one leaves, you do not just stand on the platform waiting for the next one to pull in on a timetable. As with most of the things in life that make us happy, you have to take some deliberate action to give yourself a fair chance.

Step 1: Sort yourself out

They do say that you have to sort your own house out before going and messing around in others’ houses. This applies to yourself. If you want to get a girlfriend, then you have to do everything you can to become the kind of person that women want.

This doesn’t mean you have to become a millionaire, drive an Aston Martin or purchase a swanky pad in London or Paris, but it does mean getting yourself together. Here’s the fast guide to “sorting yourself out”:

• Clean up your living space – It will energise you and make you feel confident about bringing people into your home. No one wants to visit a flat that looks like a student kitchen after freshers’ week, and waking up in a tidy room sets a much better tone for your day.
• Groom yourself – The power of a proper haircut and a neat beard trim, if you have one, is greater than you might think. Looking after the basics shows self-respect.
• Start a simple skincare routine – Late nights, stress and poor diet quickly show on your face, leaving skin dry or tired-looking. A basic cleanser and moisturiser take two minutes a day.
• Update your wardrobe – You don’t need to be a fashion obsessive or go out and buy three-piece suits, but replace worn-out tees and baggy jeans with clean, well-fitting everyday clothes: a couple of casual shirts, decent knitwear, dark trousers or jeans that actually fit, and clean shoes. Feeling comfortable in what you are wearing immediately changes how you carry yourself.

Step 2: Build yourself up

After taking some relatively simple steps of cleaning and tidying yourself and your home comes the bigger task of building yourself up into the kind of person with whom women want to be in a relationship.

Build a social circle

Having a warm circle of friends is good for you long before you meet a partner, and it naturally makes dating easier. It gives you people to go out with, widens the chance of meeting someone through mutual friends and takes the pressure off any new woman to become your entire social life. When someone sees that you know how to be a good friend and enjoy other people’s company, it is much easier for her to picture fitting into your world.

Build life and professional experience

Another helpful step is to actually get out of the house and do things you genuinely enjoy. One of the easiest ways to connect with someone new is having a life of your own to talk about and share. You do not need to take up skydiving or bungee jumping just to have an anecdote for the pub. Joining a local running club, learning to cook properly, going to live gigs, hiking at the weekend or volunteering somewhere local gives you real stories to tell and puts you around like-minded people.

The other thing to do is to invest more energy and thought into your career. You don’t have to sacrifice a social life in order to have a career that impresses people. Show that you care about something other than yourself; that you have goals and ambitions, and these things in themselves are great qualities.

Build confidence

When you look after your space, spend time with friends and have interests you care about, you naturally build quiet self-confidence. People who are comfortable in their own skin – without tipping over into arrogance or feeling the need to show off – are far easier and more enjoyable to spend time with, whether on a first date or in a long-term relationship.

Step 3: Put yourself out there

While you’re on your journey of self-improvement and growth, you need to simultaneously start putting yourself out there into the world, even if it’s only the online world at first. Sitting at home playing video games or even just reading or bingeing TV shows will never bring you a happy relationship.

Online dating

Years ago, online dating was treated as a bit of a novelty, and people who used it were unfairly accused of scraping the barrel. Today, it is simply one of the most straightforward ways for single adults to cross paths. Online dating is not a substitute for real-life chemistry; it is an extra channel that helps you meet people you would never otherwise bump into so you can go on real-life dates.

Sign up with a reputable dating site and put together an honest, specific profile. Include clear, recent photos of yourself in everyday settings rather than stiff bathroom-mirror poses or group shots where nobody can tell which one you are. Instead of writing that you “like socialising and a good laugh”, mention what a good Sunday looks like for you or what you are currently cooking, reading or planning. Give someone an easy hook to reply to, and when a conversation goes well for a few messages, ask clearly if she would like to meet.

Going on dates

You might have to go on quite a few dates before you find someone you feel comfortable with. Don’t try to stop yourself being nervous about the date. That anxiousness is a good thing, because it proves you care about what happens. When a good match is with you, the date will feel comfortable and conversation will flow more naturally. It’s a process of discovery and elimination, and it takes time.

When you are on a date, make sure you listen at least as much as you speak. There is a big difference between genuinely paying attention and just waiting for your turn to talk. If she mentions she has had a hectic week at work or just got back from visiting family, ask a natural follow-up question about it rather than immediately pivoting back to your own story.

Finally, on this point, make an effort to look nice for your date, and show courtesy and good manners to your new friend. Don’t forget, though, that your date is still just another human, and may have the same nervous feelings as you. There’s no need to think of the girl like she’s some goddess or other-worldly being. She’s human like you, so just be understanding, listen, and try to relax and enjoy the moment.

Step 4: Exploring connection and chemistry

Once you’ve been on dates with a girl, it is important that you spend time exploring the connection that you have, and that should also include sexual chemistry. How you feel when you’re together socially is important, but so too is the sexual connection. It’s all part and parcel.

• Pay attention to how you feel when you’re with someone and when you’re apart. If you feel relieved the moment they go home, it is probably not the start of a relationship.
• If you’re serious about a woman you like, don’t disappear the moment you have slept together. Stay the night, have breakfast together and show through your actions that you value her company rather than just the bedroom.
• See each other in different everyday settings rather than only ever meeting in the same bar on a Friday night. Grabbing a daytime coffee, going for a walk, cooking dinner together or meeting a couple of friends shows how well you actually get on at a normal pace without overwhelming each other early on.

People often say that “opposites attract”, though in practice it helps to share core values while bringing complementary strengths to the table. You might bring more spontaneity and social energy into her week, while she brings a bit more calm and organisation into yours. Finding someone whose day-to-day temperament balances yours – while you both want the same kind of life – is where a relationship really starts to click.

Step 5: Don’t mess it up

Once you have found a promising connection, do not sabotage it by going cold, playing hard to get or keeping one eye on dating apps out of habit. If you want a girlfriend, you have to make proper time and space in your week for her. Equally, do not assume that spending a few weekends together automatically makes you a couple without anyone saying a word.

When you have been seeing each other consistently and the feeling seems mutual, have a straightforward conversation about where you both stand. It does not need to be a dramatic speech. Saying something as simple as, “I’m really enjoying seeing you and I’m not interested in dating anyone else – I’d love for us to be exclusive. How do you feel about where things are going?” clears up any ambiguity. Then listen honestly to her answer and respect where she is at.

Getting a girlfriend starts with you

While no guide can guarantee when you will meet the right person, how you live your life and treat the people you date is firmly in your hands. Look after your own corner of the world, stay open to meeting people both offline and through dating sites, and give promising connections proper attention. When you do meet someone who matches your effort, you will be ready to make the most of it.